Email
by Wolfie338
Summary: Elizabeta and Francis have teamed up to start pairing up their workmates! Chaos and hilarity ensues! Rated for sexual references! List of pairings inside.
1. Chapter 1

**Fact: I get bored a lot.**

**This is based in an office environment work thing with Elizabeta as the big boss who cares waaaaay too much about her employees' personal lives.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia, although I really wish I did.**

* * *

Chapter One

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Kiku Honda

Subject: I'm not complaining but...

Am I the only one who has noticed the delightful abundance of adorably gay men in this office? If I didn't know any better, I'd say that they're being hired because of their sexual orientation.

I swear to you now Kiku, I'm not complaining. I'm the furthest thing from complaining. Whenever I walk into this office, I feel like a dog being given bacon, or a pig rolling in mud, because the number of homosexual men is _amazing_. Besides, there are only a few things I like more than watching Feliciano hugging Ludwig first thing in the morning (I swear, those two are so cute, it's illegal. They'd better figure things out soon, for yaoi's sake), or Lovino stuttering over Antonio's hourly confessions of passion and love for him (get over yourself Lovi, you like him just as much as he likes you~) or Herakle's constant attempts to get you out to dinner with him (sweetie, you need to accept his offer one day), but I'm surprised that no one has pointed this out before now.

Elizabeta

* * *

From: Kiku Honda

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: R.E. I'm not complaining but...

Elizabeta-san

I'm sure there are a number of reasons to why most of your employees are of homosexual orientation, the most logical reason being: because one of the questions during interviews was "On a scale of one to ten, how gay are you?"

I'm assuming that whoever scored the highest got the job.

Elizabeta-san, if you are complaining over your choice of employees and how often they get distracted, I'm sure I could start transferring some of them to a different department. You are the boss after all, you have final word over everything.

Kiku Honda

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Kiku Honda

Subject: You're good.

You see Kiku; this is the reason number eighty two why you're my second hand man! You remember everything.

So... how is it going with Herakles? I heard him offering to take you to the Leaping Rabbit restaurant (trust me when I say: that is not a cheap date. The salad is over fifty dollars). Or do you wish to go out with the Turkish guy in the mask, Sadik Adnan, because I've seen him checking you out a few times... or maybe it was the way his mask was on... I don't get that guy. You and Herakles are pretty much one of my OTPs so I would be crushed if you went for Mr. Creepy Mask.

Elizabeta

P.S. Lunch is in an hour, want to grab a sandwich together?

* * *

From: Kiku Honda

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: R.E. You're good

Elizabeta-san, please stop interfering with my life. Sadik-san and Herakles-san are just my friends; I cannot see them in a light other than that!

Kiku Honda

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Herakles Karpus

Subject: Need help?

I do believe your feeble attempts of wooing my good friend Kiku are pathetic and; because I am a kind boss and want my staff to be happy; I will offer my services to assist you in making Kiku see how nice you really are.

(He likes you really but just he won't admit it)

Elizabeta Héderváry

* * *

From: Herakles Karpus

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: Meow...

Will I get fired if I don't agree?

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Herakles Karpus

Subject: Meow to you too

Yes.

* * *

From: Herakles Karpus

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: Purr

Okay.

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Francis Bonnefoy

Subject: Oh Fraaaaaaaancissssss~~

I am probably one of the only people in the world who thinks very highly of you, despite the fact that, on multiple occasions, you have tried to molest my husband (thank you for letting me take pictures, btw) and I do love how much we gossip by the water cooler about the sexual tensions in the office, so you are the very first person I have come to recruit for my vital mission.

You are currently aware of the situation between Herakles and Kiku? Good, because Herakles has requested my help in seducing our favourite awkward Japanese man. I just know that Kiku is too reserved to admit his feelings for Herakles and it's painful to see one of my best friends to look so miserable when he looks over at the man he's secretly craving for~

So, how about it?

* * *

From: Francis Bonnefoy

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: Darling, how kind of you!

Thinking of me first! You're such a good friend! Yes! I will assist you! Nothing is more important to me than to show love to two truly awkward people!

Francis

* * *

From: Kiku Honda

To: Herakles Kurpus

Subject: I'm just warning you...

I think Francis-san and Elizabeta-san are up to something. I heard them talking quietly in the lunch room, and they said both our names. Did you say something to Elizabeta-san?

* * *

From: Herakles Kurpus

To: Kiku Honda

Subject: You'd look cute with cat ears.

Elizabeta asked to help me get you out to dinner. She must have got Francis involved...

If Leaping Rabbit is a bad restaurant for you, we could always try Lantern Gardens.

* * *

From: Kiku Honda

To: Herakles Kurpus

Subject: ...

No means no.

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Kiku Honda; Herakles Kurpus

Subject:

OMG THAT IS IT YOU TWO!

* * *

From: Alfred Jones

To: Kiku Honda

Subject: Um...

Why did Elizabeta lock you in the stationary cupboard?

* * *

From: Kiku Honda

To: Alfred Jones

Subject: R.E. Um...

I don't want to talk about it.

* * *

From: Francis Bonnefoy

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: Looks like you didn't need my help after all.

I'm wounded! You didn't let me help!

But at least you got them together, I applaud you. However, I do believe that dragging Kiku and Herakles by their ears and locking them in the stationary cupboard was a bit much, after all you need to let them go at their own pace sometimes.

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Francis Bonnefoy

Subject: WHAT PACE?

SERIOUSLY! WHAT PACE? THERE WAS NO PACE THERE WAS NOTHING THEY WERE STANDING STILL.

Please excuse my outburst, but how could I not lock them in the cupboard! Herakles bursts(walks) in this morning and demands (wishes) to know why oh why Kiku will not go on a date! I got fed up with Kiku flustered excuses and I just had to intervene! Besides, who doesn't use the stationary cupboard for those kinds of things? I mean, you and Arthur when drunk at the Christmas party, hello! (Also, it was very funny when he screamed Alfred's name instead of yours~~ The look on Alfred's face though was even funnier).

It's probably not going to be the last time I do that to someone though. I swear, the sexual tension is killing me!

* * *

From: Francis Bonnefoy

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: Okay, there was no pace.

I have to admit, you did well. I didn't know Kiku could be that loud, especially when he found out that Herakles keeps lube and condoms in his pocket for "emergencies".

Ahh, the Christmas party... Did you get a picture of Alfred's face? If you did, please show me!

Elizabeta, the next time you get frustrated over couples denying that their love, then just email me and we can try very, very hard to get them together.

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Francis Bonnefoy

Subject: OMGGGGGGGGGG

YOU. ME. MATCHMAKING TEAM. SHALL WE?

* * *

From: Francis Bonnefoy

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: Well...

Okay!

* * *

From: Kiku Honda

To: All employees

Subject: WARNING

MY SOURCES TELL ME THAT ELIZABETA AND FRANCIS HAVE TEAMED UP TO MATCH MAKE. IF YOU HAVE SEXUAL TENSIONS WITH ANOTHER PERSON THEN, FOR THE SAKE OF EVERYONE, TONE IT DOWN!

* * *

From: Arthur Kirkland

To: Kiku Honda

Subject: R.E. WARNING

That Frog can go to hell.

* * *

From: Lovino Vargas

To: Kiku Honda

Subject: R.E. WARNING

FUCK! THOSE BASTARDS ARE WAY TOO ANNOYING. I SHOULD QUIT!

* * *

From: Antonio Fernández Carriedo

To: Kiku Honda

Subject: R.E. WARNING

Aw, that's so good of them! I wonder if they could get my Lovi~ to love me back...

* * *

From: Alfred Jones

To: Kiku Honda

Subject: R.E. WARNING

IS THIS WHY THEY LOCKED YOU IN THE STATIONARY CUPBOARD?

* * *

From: Feliciano Vargas

To: Kiku Honda

Subject: R.E. WARNING

Vee~ That's sweet of big brother Francis and Eliza!

* * *

From: Kiku Honda

To: All

Subject:

I THINK THEY'VE CHOSEN THEIR NEXT VICTIMS. BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR TROUBLE.

* * *

**...Hi!**

**Before you click the back button to try and find another fic to read because this one is so obviously stupid, I'd like to give you the list of pairings that I will be doing in the future for this. Ready? Let's-a go-a!**

**Giripan (Duh)**

**USUK (Because THEY'RE MY BBYS)**

**GerIta**

**Spamano**

**SuFin**

**PruCan**

**Possibly come HongIce, even through I've never done HongIce before**

**Maaaaaybe RoChu (Which is way too cute, btw)**

**Maybe DenNor as well**

**There will also be mentions of other pairings like AusHun, France x Joan of Arc (which I secretly ship), FrUK (because France has obviously tapped dat), probably some France x World (Because France gets around).**

**But anyway...**

**Drop a review please and the link to my Tumblr is on my profile if you want it~**

**Ciao!**


	2. Chapter 2

**... Wow people actually liked this...**

**Disclaimer: If I actually owned Hetalia, do you really think I'd be sitting here writing fanfiction for it?**

**This chapter is dedicated to my lovely friend Libertea-Rose. My mission in life is to make her laugh at inappropriate hours of the night when her parents are asleep~~**

* * *

Chapter Two

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: All

Subject: Just letting you know

After last week's incident with Kiku, Herakles and the stationary cupboard it has come to my attention that the photocopier in there is, well, broken (Not that it worked well in the first place, after all you did have to kick it to get it started). So, until the repair man can come out to fix it, you'll have to use the photocopier on the fifth floor (Yes that does mean having to walk down three flights of stairs as the elevator has also started to play up).

Thank you for understanding.

Elizabeta

* * *

From: Kiku Honda

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: R.E. Just letting you know

Please don't put the blame on me for this, Elizabeta-san. I have already apologised profusely.

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Kiku Honda

Subject: R.E. Just letting you know

Sweetie, if anything I'm thanking you for this. I've needed to get that copier fixed for a while, but there were no real complaints for it to be repaired. If the copier can't be repaired then we buy a shiny new one~

Elizabeta

* * *

From: Ludwig Beilschmidt

To: Elizabeta Héderváry; Francis Bonnefoy

Subject: Your "Match Making" team

Last time I checked this was a working environment, meaning that we are here to do our jobs, not fool around like you're five years old. Elizabeta, I am disappointed in you because you are meant to be setting an example to all of us. You are meant to be our leader, the one we come to when we have a problem and you are meant to be setting out the rules and guidelines for us to follow.

Can you please stop acting like children and get back to work?

Ludwig

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Ludwig Beilschmidt; Francis Bonnefoy

Subject: But it's such a good idea! D:

Is someone secretly hoping that we help him with his pathetic attempts with a certain Italian? Hmmmm? Because, if you want, we could help you~ We know how much you really want him and I'm willing to offer you our services~~

* * *

From: Francis Bonnefoy

To: Ludwig Beilschmidt; Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: Ooooh~~

Honhonhonhonhonhonhon~~

* * *

From: Ludwig Beilschmidt

To: Elizabeta Héderváry; Francis Bonnefoy

Subject: You're both annoying me now...

THIS ISN'T ANYTHING LIKE THAT! FELICIANO AND I ARE JUST FRIENDS!

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Ludwig Beilschmidt; Francis Bonnefoy

Subject: We know~~

Who said anything about the Italian being Feli~? We might have been talking about the grumpy one, but if you want us to help you with your relationship with our adorable little Feliciano, we could~~

* * *

From: Francis Bonnefoy

To: Ludwig Beilschmidt; Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: You love us anyway~

Besides, you're in such denial about your feelings for him. I've heard from your _frère_ that Feliciano is constantly at your house, begging for hugs and sleeping in your bed.

Are you sure you're not having passionate _amour _with him on the side~?

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Ludwig Beilschmidt; Francis Bonnefoy

Subject: Everyone loves us

Really?! That's sooooooooooooooooooo cute!

I wonder if I could get that idiot Gilbert to send me a picture...

* * *

From: Francis Bonnefoy

To: Elizabeta Héderváry; Ludwig Beilschmidt

Subject: So true~

I've asked Gilbert many, many times for photographs, but he's always said that Ludwig would cook his bird if he even tried.

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Francis Bonnefoy; Ludwig Beilschmidt

Subject: Very true~

Ohhhhh! Ludwig! You're such a spoil sport!

... He's not replying to there now, is he?

* * *

From: Francis Bonnefoy

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: Very, very true~

I'm afraid not...

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt

Subject: I hate you~

Gilbert, we've had a... rough history. We've fought, I've hit you with my frying pan, you've cowered in the corner, but I do believe that it's time for us to leave the past in the past. We must turn over a new leaf, wipe the slate clean and start anew.

What do you think then?

* * *

From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: Bitch

... What do you want?

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt

Subject: Bastard

Pictures of Feliciano and Ludwig. Francis tells me that you can get a picture of them sleeping in the same bed.

* * *

From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: Bitch, I'm awesome

No can do. Ludwig is a light sleeper; he's woken up every time I've gone into his room.

I've seen it though.

They like to cuddle.

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt

Subject: You wish, albino boy

That is adorable!

* * *

From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: You're a bitch

Is this about that matchmaking team you've made with Franny? Because I can tell you now, Ludwig's totally crushing on Feli. And if you got them together, maybe Ludwig will be less of a stick in the mud.

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt

Subject: And you're an unawesome bastard~

Has everyone heard about the matchmaking team?! It was meant to be a secret!

* * *

From: Feliciano Vargas

To: Ludwig Beilschmidt

Subject: Ve~~

Luddy! I saw a kitty today! It was cute, so I went to pet it, but then it hissed at me and I got scared!

* * *

From: Ludwig Beilschmidt

To: Feliciano Vargas

Subject: R.E. Ve~~

You shouldn't try and pet strange animals, try could hurt you. Now get back to work.

* * *

From: Feliciano Vargas

To: Ludwig Beilschmidt

Subject: R.E. Ve~~

I really want some pasta, do you think it's time for lunch yet?

* * *

From: Ludwig Beilschmidt

To: Feliciano Vargas

Subject: R.E. Ve~~

We just had lunch! If you're still hungry then we'll go get something to eat after work.

* * *

From: Feliciano Vargas

To: Ludwig Beilschmidt

Subject: R.E. Ve~~

Don't worry! Arthur just gave me one of his scones! I'll just eat this!

* * *

From: Ludwig Beilschmidt

To: Feliciano Vargas

Subject: R.E. Ve~~

DON'T EAT IT.

* * *

From: Feliciano Vargas

To: Ludwig Beilschmidt

Subject: R.E. Ve~~

I feel funny now...

* * *

From: Ludwig Beilschmidt

To: Feliciano Vargas

Subject: R.E. Ve~~

I'll be right there.

* * *

From: Kiku Honda

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject:

There is a commotion in Feliciano's booth. Your assistance may be needed.

* * *

From: Antonio Fernández Carriedo

To: Lovino Vargas

Subject: Mi tomate~

That wasn't very nice what you said to Ludwig.

* * *

From: Lovino Vargas

To: Antonio Fernández Carriedo

Subject: Shut it.

Bastard deserved it.

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Francis Bonnefoy

Subject: ...

WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED? WHY WAS LUDWIG IN SUCH A HUFF?

* * *

From: Francis Bonnefoy

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: Twas a story of love, loss and an angry Italian~

IT WAS SO TRAGIC! I WAS NEARLY IN TEARS!

Basically, while Feliciano was emailing Ludwig, he was complaining that he was hungry and Arthur (who was innocently walking by) gave him one of his scones of death, as Alfred like to call them, and poor Feli actually ate it! When Feliciano started complaining that he was feeling ill, Ludwig came along. Feli (being the adorable thing that he is) started clinging to Ludwig and Ludwig was trying his best to comfort him. Little did we all know that Lovino's my-brother-is-in-trouble senses started tingling and he rushed over.

Ludwig and Lovino got into a huge argument, Lovino said that Ludwig wasn't needed (when in reality we all know that Feliciano pretty much can't breathe unless Ludwig's in a five foot radius to him) and Ludwig stormed out. Feliciano then proceeded to vomit all over Lovino's shoes.

I like to think that Ludwig and Feliciano's relationship is like Romeo and Juliet, but I really hope they don't kill themselves to be with each other...

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Francis Bonnefoy

Subject: Oh! So sad!

I'm practically sobbing for Ludwig! Evil Lovi needs to cool off!

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Lovino Vargas

Subject: You meanie!

As your boss, I'm ordering you to be nicer to people, and by people I mean Ludwig.

* * *

From: Lovino Vargas

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: You sound like my brother...

Fuck that. The potato bastard can go die in a hole.

P.S. Feliciano's off sick today. Just thought I'd say. I don't think he's coming in tomorrow or Friday either. He'll be back Monday.

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Lovino Vargas

Subject: Hmmm...

Thanks for telling me about Feliciano. I'll put him down on sick leave for the next few days.

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Ludwig Beilschmidt

Subject: Stop sulking.

Ludwig, I don't like see you like this. You came in this morning and your hair had not been pushed back! I've heard that Feliciano is coming back on Monday; there is no need for your moping!

* * *

From: Ludwig Beilschmidt

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: I am not sulking.

You don't have to worry about me; I am not moping over Feliciano's absence. I accidentally slept through my alarm clock this morning and didn't have time to sort my hair out.

* * *

From: Elizabeta Héderváry

To: Ludwig Beilschmidt

Subject: You're kidding me, right?

Let me explain a few things wrong with your message. One: You never sleep though your alarm; you are always up and about ten minutes BEFORE your clock starts beeping. Two: You always have time to sort your hair out (even though the down look really suits you). Three: You're moping.

Need I remind you that the report you handed in this morning had five errors. FIVE! You've never had more than a single error on a report before! Something that Lovino said must have upset you and you've been feeling down about it.

* * *

From: Ludwig Beilschmidt

To: Elizabeta Héderváry

Subject: R.E. You're kidding me, right?

You're wrong.

* * *

From: Francis Bonnefoy

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt; Antonio Fernández Carriedo

Subject: Tonight, 8:30, my place

Men! It's time for us to take action! Elizabeta and I spoke at lunch and she has decided that enough is enough! Feli and Ludwig's relationship is starting to strain and we need to help them before they stop being friends altogether.

Tonight, I shall be holding a meeting at my house so we can tactically plan what is going to happen Monday morning, when Feli comes back to work, and yes, Gilbert, there will be beer. Be there.

* * *

From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

To: Francis Bonnefoy; Antonio Fernández Carriedo

Subject: SCORE!

I'M THERE! BEER!

* * *

From: Antonio Fernández Carriedo

To: Francis Bonnefoy; Gilbert Beilschmidt

Subject: Okay!

I had plans to sing outside Lovi's window tonight, but I can reschedule that for another night. I'm sure mi tomate~ will understand~

* * *

From: Francis Bonnefoy

To: Antonio Fernández Carriedo; Gilbert Beilschmidt

Subject: Antonio...

You tell Lovino that we're trying to get his brother and Ludwig together, then something mysterious may happen to your tomato plants during the night~

* * *

**Muhahahaha~ cliffhanger~ Kinda...**

**So many lines though...**

**Drop a review please and the link to my Tumblr is on my profile if you want it~**

**Ciao!**


End file.
